Touching zero

When I started this blog, I thought I would be using it as a base to teach others – to provide leadership, wisdom, and hope. And now I find I am using it to teach myself. I called it ‘Touching Zero’ in an exploration of Hawai’ian Ho’oponopono – where we look at the world and recognise that what we see, we have created. And now I find that I am in a world that I have created… and I am looking to find a way of changing it.

As I write, I find myself genuinely ‘Touching Zero’ – over the last 12 months or so I have found myself struggling with my spiritual leadership, with my finances, with my purpose, with my relationships – until I got myself to a point where I was at the lowest point I could be – I had ‘Touched Zero’. Facing bankruptcy, facing being on my own, feeling separated from my God, having given up on some of the things that I thought would create a new life.

It was at that point that I decided ‘enough’ – where I decided that it was time to create a new future. I wanted to build a life I could enjoy – where I would have fun, where I would be happy, where I would change the world. I wanted to love and be loved, to laugh – and to cry – to lead, to teach, to share, to help people, to explore what’s possible. I wanted to learn to walk with my God again – to understand what ‘being spiritual’ meant in the modern world.

I wanted to LIVE.

So… I am rebuilding my life. Starting today. Making some tough choices. Deciding for myself what I want. Taking responsibility for everything that happens to me.

I’ve stared into some very dark places. I’ve felt pain I never thought I would – to the point that I have considered taking my own life. To the point that I thought I would never crawl out of the blackness – where sadness seemed to overwhelm me.

In those dark places I have found people walking beside me. Precious, precious friends who have believed in me. My children, who have always known me as their hero. And I have known the hand of God on my life.

I have no idea if anyone will read this blog. I pray that people who will be inspired by it will find their way to it. I pray that anyone who is facing some of the pain that I did will find comfort from it.

But this blog is dedicated to the Creator – to God who has helped me, held me, loved me, stood by me and even now is teaching me what it means to be truly alive. For too long I have remained silent about my relationship with the Divine presence – so her presence will be found throughout these posts.

So. Welcome to the rest of my life. I have no idea where it will take me. I plan to post every day where I can – part as a journal, part as an externalisation of what is going on inside.

Let’s see what happens.